Kieran (pronounced Keer-In, people for some reason pronounce it KYE-rin?!?), is a toy poodle. I found him through a newspaper ad, being "fostered" as she liked to call it. At 6 months old he had a major case of ear mites going, hair matted and dirty so much that when I gave him a bath the water came out black, and I doubt he had stepped foot outside more than a dozen times since he had been born. So we're talking about a breed that is already neurotic and you throw in some neglect and who knows what kind of possible abuse and you get... Kieran.

I went through a really dark time a few years back, which I'll get into in another post. But long story short I left home severing my relationship with my mother, and walked out with nothing but Kieran and a laundry basket of clothes. With nowhere to go I stayed at a cousin's house only to be "urged" to go back home after about 2 weeks and then lived out of my car for a week, sometimes sneaking into the office, overnight, where I worked to utilize the couch for sleep.

I won't lie when I say that during the time bouncing between my cousin's home and my car, I thought of a "solution" to end my agony. Going back home was never an option (again I will get into later). It may sound really childish and incredibly immature that I left home but to put it bluntly my mother is one of those people that was never meant to be a mother. I was 23 or 24 at the time and she was still verbally abusing me on a daily basis. She finally stopped physically abusing me when I was 21. There are very old wounds that have yet to turn into scars and I don't know if they'll ever heal. It also doesn't help that she doesn't acknowledge that what she did or has done to me has damaged me permanently. I'm not even looking for an apology, I'm aware it'll never happen, but I do want her to be human and realize "My GOD, I hurt someone deeply and that person was my daughter."

Kieran was my only lifeline. I'm absolutely aware my attachment to this guy is unhealthy as hell but that one night where I sat in my car sobbing, right after my aunt suggested I go back home, and I realized I had nowhere else to go, he was in my lap just endlessly licking my tears and face. Thoughts that nothing in my life was worth living for, were racing. My friends knew how tumultuous things were between my mom and I, but still told me to put pride aside and go home with no other offers or suggestions. In a way I don't blame them. This was my own burden. My own mother cheered as I walked out of my home, making room for her new boyfriend. I felt abandoned and alone and not understood at all.

Just as I had really thought of actually considering doing it, he stopped licking my face and looked right into my eyes and with a sigh rested his head on my shoulder. I could feel his little heart pounding with mine and that was it. This little 8 lb. poodle's heart just boomed into my chest and gave me the strength I needed to make it through that night. I stopped crying and was calmed down from his heartbeat synchronizing with mine, and we sat there for almost an hour.

The next day my uncle found out what had happened and told me I could stay with him, but Kieran couldn't. With a heavy heart and much reluctance I called my sister and begged her to talk to mom about wanting Kieran home. I "apologized" so I could see Kieran during the weekends.

It takes another year before we're officially reunited and we adopt another mix into our family, Roxas, a Chihuahua-Pekingese mix with a perfectly dome shaped head that I can never stop staring at.